The events in this post have been manipulated to hide the identity of the individual and incorporates additional stories that relate to the overall theme of the post.
Lately, I've been troubled by an ongoing "buddy" relationship. It all started with my regular, end of school year visit back home, where a long time "buddy" is also attend graduate school. This guy and I go way back, to my undergraduate days. We were never an together, but of course were together in other ways. Initial intentions when we met: I want to be with him. Fast forward to junior year- we were in a campus organization together and the boundary was set between us. We dated other people, etc. Fast forward to post-graduation where we continued our separate lives, keeping abreast of each other through mutual friends. We both had our own relationships, no biggie. Fast forward to, the last two years where we reconnected and caught up as "friends" with a continued physical attraction between us. He moved to my hometown to continue graduate school and we would "hang out", catch up, and ... yeah. This period became a time where we got reacquainted with each other, and I realized that I was just then really getting to know him. When I entered my graduate program on the east coast I accepted an internship position that allowed me to travel back home on an almost monthly basis. We continued getting to hanging out during these visits and of course, my feelings for him grew. Now, presently, our current arrangement has gotten old to me and I continuously question "What's next? Where is this going?"
Bringing this up to him wasn't an easy task since before, I just went along with the arrangement. I knew my intentions, but didn't know if his were the same as when we first met or had they changed. After an emotional conversation, I know that the pattern has to change but I'm not exactly sure of its direction. Our intentions seem the same on the surface, but we're disagreeing on the timing. I brought my dilemma to my inner circle, which includes some that are tired of hearing about this ongoing struggle and some who are new to it, to help me make some sense of these thoughts and feelings.
Bottom line: If my end goal was to be with him and that is not able to happen, move on! I didn't begin our relationship wanting to be friends. I want to be his mate. Not in three years, but now. I want to begin to build that relationship in the present. He says the future. Game over! Right? Easier said than done. However, if there is something that I want, which is to build a relationship with the guy that has the qualities that I appreciate and desire, then that is the direction that I need to go. This old "buddy" is not in that direction.
It's going to be hard, but I have to mentally separate myself from him. Moving on!
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