Buddy for life?!

Once again, it's been a long time. Lots of blossoming going on over here! (I'll list my accomplishments later.)

The events in this post have been manipulated to hide the identity of the individual and incorporates additional stories that relate to the overall theme of the post.

Lately, I've been troubled by an ongoing "buddy" relationship. It all started with my regular, end of school year visit back home, where a long time "buddy" is also attend graduate school. This guy and I go way back, to my undergraduate days. We were never an together, but of course were together in other ways. Initial intentions when we met: I want to be with him. Fast forward to junior year- we were in a campus organization together and the boundary was set between us. We dated other people, etc. Fast forward to post-graduation where we continued our separate lives, keeping abreast of each other through mutual friends. We both had our own relationships, no biggie. Fast forward to, the last two years where we reconnected and caught up as "friends" with a continued physical attraction between us. He moved to my hometown to continue graduate school and we would "hang out", catch up, and ... yeah. This period became a time where we got reacquainted with each other, and I realized that I was just then really getting to know him. When I entered my graduate program on the east coast I accepted an internship position that allowed me to travel back home on an almost monthly basis. We continued getting to hanging out during these visits and of course, my feelings for him grew. Now, presently, our current arrangement has gotten old to me and I continuously question "What's next? Where is this going?"

Bringing this up to him wasn't an easy task since before, I just went along with the arrangement. I knew my intentions, but didn't know if his were the same as when we first met or had they changed. After an emotional conversation, I know that the pattern has to change but I'm not exactly sure of its direction. Our intentions seem the same on the surface, but we're disagreeing on the timing. I brought my dilemma to my inner circle, which includes some that are tired of hearing about this ongoing struggle and some who are new to it, to help me make some sense of these thoughts and feelings.

Bottom line: If my end goal was to be with him and that is not able to happen, move on! I didn't begin our relationship wanting to be friends. I want to be his mate. Not in three years, but now. I want to begin to build that relationship in the present. He says the future. Game over! Right? Easier said than done. However, if there is something that I want, which is to build a relationship with the guy that has the qualities that I appreciate and desire, then that is the direction that I need to go. This old "buddy" is not in that direction.

It's going to be hard, but I have to mentally separate myself from him. Moving on!

Values from Parents

I asked a new friend to tell me about his most favorite memory growing up in another country. I was curious to hear of any cultural differences or learn a little bit more about his upbringing. He said that he had mostly good memories of traveling with his family and spending the Christmas holiday at his grandma’s house. He then started to speak about his father, who passed away a few years back. He said that his father always expected the best from him and his siblings and nothing less. Always excellence. His father instilled that within him to the point where he constantly thinks about how his choices affect this family and strives to be the best to make his family proud and honorable. Hearing my friend talk about his father and the values instilled within him made me take a deeper look at the young man in front of me. It also made me reflect on my own personal values and how I portray them in my everyday life. What values did your parents instill in you that make you who you are today?

For me, I'd say excellence ("Don't do anything half-assed!"), neatness (chores galore), and openly communicating my thoughts and feelings (tantrums didn't get you much in my household). I'm sure there are more, but these would be where I would start. There are also values and traits that my parents have that I haven't necessarily picked up, which could be good and bad. Ha! What values or traits do your parents have that you wish or don't wish to develop?

*Jas*

Written on the eve of two important birthdays. Happy Birthday to my momma & grandma!

Re-vamped and ready to go!

Hello all!

Yes, it's been a long while since I've shared my personal journey with you. Over the past few months, there has been lots of reflection, change, and transition. I've relocated to a different state and am now in graduate school. I decided to follow my dreams, no matter who or what I had to leave behind in NYC. Sad, but true. However, as I write this, I am sitting next to one of my good friends from NYC in my new apartment taking facebook quizzes. Having a sista'-friend has been so important to my very own personal growth!

As I begin this new journey, I hope to revisit some of the lessons from NYC as they reappear in my new place of residence, in addition to exploring new areas. You will join me for my journey through graduate school, an internship, dating, and gaining my own personal ground.

Thank you for joining me!

Ring the alarm!

Those who know me, know that I have key pieces of jewelry that I wear daily: my necklace with three important charms (tiara, treble clef, and clarinet), my silver hoop earings, and my rings. Each piece of jewelry is sentimental in some way, especially my rings. One ring was a gift from my favorite uncle worn on the right ring finger, another was an awesome ring from Disney World worn on the right index finger, and the last was a present for myself after the first semester of my freshman year (I did well!) worn on the left ring finger. Although they were not fancy, the one on the left had been mistaken for a wedding ring in the past.

I am a key believer that everything happens for a reason and if you want things to happen you have to speak it into existence and act as if you already have it or that is on its way. I thought about this one day while looking at the ring on my ring fingers. At the time, I was in a great relationship with someone I believed I could marry. But when I looked down at my ring finger, I could not imagine that finger bare or with another ring being there. I was not ready.

After that relationship, I was hesitant to date in my new city. But, NYC treated me well. I have met so many gentleman that have treated me like a princess! Most notably, was the rebound guy. It took me a while to accept his purpose as we decided to step back and become friends, but I now understand. I am now in the beginning stages with someone who makes me loose my breath whenever I see and hear them, and sees my inner and outer beauty as clear as day.

I am now single and dating and it has been two weeks without a single ring on my hands!

I feel on top of my game in most facets of my life. My heart is shinning bright and so is my smile. In my mind and heart, I see what I want out of a relationship. I am ready to use my past lessons to take my current relationship to new heights, if that is in God's plan. I am ready for LOVE!

Reading about other people's lives...

My good friend of mine shared this forum topic with me: Reading about other people's lives makes me dislike my own.

I found the advice universal for enjoying your entire or different aspects of your life.

Enjoy!

Books: The Witch of Portobello by Paulo Coelho

I bought this book on my way to Washington, D.C. Memorial Day weekend. I'm surprised I was able to put it down to enjoy the company of friends! Finishing before I returned to NYC, I was left amazed by Coelho's powerful novel. In addition to The Alchemist, this novel inspires to pursue passions, purposes, and love deeply.

From Publishers Weekly
Multimillion-seller Coelho (The Devil and Miss Prym, etc.) returns with another uncanny fusion of philosophy, religious miracle and moral parable. The Portobello of the title is London's Portobello Road, where Sherine Khalil, aka Athena, finds the worship meeting she's leading—where she becomes an omniscient goddess named Hagia Sophia—disrupted by a Protestant protest. Framed as a set of interviews conducted with those who knew Athena, who is dead as the book opens, the story recounts her birth in Transylvania to a Gypsy mother, her adoption by wealthy Lebanese Christians; her short, early marriage to a man she meets at a London college (one of the interviewees); her son Viorel's birth; and her stint selling real estate in Dubai. Back in London in the book's second half, Athena learns to harness the powers that have been present but inchoate within her, and the story picks up as she acquires a "teacher" (Deidre O'Neill, aka Edda, another interviewee), then disciples (also interviewed), and speeds toward a spectacular end. Coelho veers between his signature criticism of modern life and the hydra-headed alternative that Athena taps into. Athena's earliest years don't end up having much plot, but the second half's intrigue sustains the book. (May)

Success: Is it your degree or when you start your family?

"I wish that someone had said to me when I was twenty years old that having a baby is an incredibly powerful experience, that if you have the slightest inkling that you might want to do it, you should pay attention to that inkling and factor in wanting to have a child and have a family as ardently as you're factoring in your professional trajectory, and no one said that to me. What happened was I spent most of my life trying not to have a baby and thinking that the time would be right and that having a baby was as easy as riding a bicycle, nothing I had to think too hard about, because I could just get pregnant at any point. I really wish someone had told me that. Instead I was told a lot of, "Develop yourself, cultivate yourself, travel, excel at your academic pursuits." Somehow the idea of developing yourself was separate from having a child. I've grown much more from having a child than going to Yale, for instance." Rebecca Walker, daughter of writer Alice Walker

One day in high school, my math teacher and the class were discussing our different views of success. He added that for some people, being successful is starting a family and for others, it is their academic and/or career achievements. Lately, I have been thinking about my personal view on success compared to what others my age "may" be thinking. Although I am proud of my friends who have decided to start a family in their early twenties, I sometimes feel a sense of hurt seeing their talent "wasted". Sonny from The Bronx Tale (my favorite movie) said, "There's nothing sadder than wasted talent" and I totally agree. However, like a good friend of mine pointed out, in addition to the above quote, sometimes people become better after having a baby or starting their family. For some reason, that never crossed my mind. I've been so wrapped up in my academic/career achievement model that the success of having a family at this day and age seemed crazy to me. However, as an educator, I see how young children can bring out the best in you. I now realize that all levels and ideas of success definitely count for something. The talent is never wasted, it is just directed to the important task of raising a strong, healthy child.

This post is dedicated to my friends and family members who are young, educated, and successful mothers.

Multi-deminsional

Over the past few weeks, I have noticed the many different sides that make me who I am. I can be the sweetest of sweet and deepest of deep and, unfortunately the meanest of mean and more stern than I've ever imagined. Of course, these characteristics only come in certain situations (Thank God!), but they always surprise me.

The sweet, thoughtful and deep me comes out when I'm around people that wont take it as a weakness. It's only when I am truly comfortable and secure that I can let down my guard and show that side of me. In my past experience, people have used that as a weakness and tried to hurt me, with some succeeding. I say that if you have seen me cry, you are truly a friend of mine. However, if you have not seen me cry, you are a step or two below that coveted position. I may not trust or feel fully secure around you for one reason or another.

The mean, stern, and evil me comes out when my passions and values are treated unjustly. This could be dismissing a request, simple or difficult, that is important to me. I've been told that I am selfish, however, as a true Libra, I operate from a balanced stand point. There are things around me that need to be a certain way for me to operate to my full capacity. I must be able to explore all my passions, such as family, friends, education, and spirituality in a balanced manner. When I am not able to do this I am off. The love & security that I get from these four areas makes me the successful, blessed young lady that I am today.

I am CONSTANTLY having this view challenged! It's a learning process because maybe this self-centered view needs to and will change, but for now...this is me. This is how I operate. Balance. The next few posts will be a glimpse into how I've come to above conclusions.

Enjoy my Spring Blossoming!