Buddy for life?!

Once again, it's been a long time. Lots of blossoming going on over here! (I'll list my accomplishments later.)

The events in this post have been manipulated to hide the identity of the individual and incorporates additional stories that relate to the overall theme of the post.

Lately, I've been troubled by an ongoing "buddy" relationship. It all started with my regular, end of school year visit back home, where a long time "buddy" is also attend graduate school. This guy and I go way back, to my undergraduate days. We were never an together, but of course were together in other ways. Initial intentions when we met: I want to be with him. Fast forward to junior year- we were in a campus organization together and the boundary was set between us. We dated other people, etc. Fast forward to post-graduation where we continued our separate lives, keeping abreast of each other through mutual friends. We both had our own relationships, no biggie. Fast forward to, the last two years where we reconnected and caught up as "friends" with a continued physical attraction between us. He moved to my hometown to continue graduate school and we would "hang out", catch up, and ... yeah. This period became a time where we got reacquainted with each other, and I realized that I was just then really getting to know him. When I entered my graduate program on the east coast I accepted an internship position that allowed me to travel back home on an almost monthly basis. We continued getting to hanging out during these visits and of course, my feelings for him grew. Now, presently, our current arrangement has gotten old to me and I continuously question "What's next? Where is this going?"

Bringing this up to him wasn't an easy task since before, I just went along with the arrangement. I knew my intentions, but didn't know if his were the same as when we first met or had they changed. After an emotional conversation, I know that the pattern has to change but I'm not exactly sure of its direction. Our intentions seem the same on the surface, but we're disagreeing on the timing. I brought my dilemma to my inner circle, which includes some that are tired of hearing about this ongoing struggle and some who are new to it, to help me make some sense of these thoughts and feelings.

Bottom line: If my end goal was to be with him and that is not able to happen, move on! I didn't begin our relationship wanting to be friends. I want to be his mate. Not in three years, but now. I want to begin to build that relationship in the present. He says the future. Game over! Right? Easier said than done. However, if there is something that I want, which is to build a relationship with the guy that has the qualities that I appreciate and desire, then that is the direction that I need to go. This old "buddy" is not in that direction.

It's going to be hard, but I have to mentally separate myself from him. Moving on!

Past to Present: Leaving the Ex Behind

I wish I could rip out a page of my memory

Cause I put too much energy in him and me

Can't wait til I get through this phase cause it's killing me

Too bad we can't rewrite our own history

-Keri Hilson (Energy)

Every now and then thoughts of my ex/old friend hunt me. Yes, they hunt me. Past moments, good and bad, reply in my mind and I analyze them. Sometimes I try to see if it was a time where I didn't show that I cared or loved him. Other times I wonder if he was there for me like I needed him to be. Most of the time I think about our friendship- how much fun I had and how much I learned about myself.

The nostalgia for such friendship and adventure really makes me question whether or not I can stomach living away from my friends and family in Michigan. For example, today I woke-up wanting to have coffee with my Mom, help her cook/bake in our kitchen at home, then escape to hang out with one or several of my friends to have "girlfriend" time. That past relationship filled those gaps away from home and now I'm struggling to do it on my own. I'm not saying I need to be in a relationship with a man to feel grounded in my new city, but I do need relationships, as in friendships, to help me bond and associate with others in a similar way that I would with my family and friends at home.

So far, I've been blessed with a select bunch that kinda "get me" and have really helped me transition into my new surroundings. I hope that the memories that I create on my own and with my new friends will replace the ones that hunt me from the past.

Do you think you can live away from family and close friends? What do you think you would need?

Justify My Love

"Do you like to idea of him (accomplishments, belongings, credentials) or are you truly interested in the person that he is?"

My good friend's question from the college years still hunts me to this day. I think about it when I first meet someone until I can honestly answer the question. Recently, I had to fess up to the former. This person had great credentials and I was impressed by their goals and determination. However, outside of the conversations where he was talking about himself there was nothing there. No doubt, I don't mind hearing or seeing a guy's confidence. I even prefer that a guy be able to sell themselves to me. However, this exchange can't be one-sided. They too must not fall in love with my credentials:
23 year old college graduate pursuing a masters degree , full-time career, own place & car,with no kids,

but truly get to know me:
the fair-minded, sincere, CP-time running, trying to be in two places at once, dancing, drinking, teacher, researcher, goal-orientated, spiritual driven, emotional, affectionate, independent, princess, young lady that is comfortable with her sexuality.

The red flags in dating will not always be extreme (kids, drug habits, etc.), but do hold tight to the person that you are and take your time to truly get to know the person you're dating beyond their Wall Street credentials.

"Are you married?"

Being asked this question more than once in a day gives me an unsettling feeling...

I'm Just Not Into You...Right Now.

Okay, we've heard the book and the phrase before, but really... how do you tell someone this? Especially, after kind of leading them on for a while. I must admit, I'm horrible at letting people know things without beating around the bush, or ignoring and not returning phone calls. With this someone, I was into them for a quick moment. However, now I'm not seeing them in my current or future plans. Help, please!

Update: A good friend of mine suggested to one, be open and honest and two, begin Operation Opposite. With this, I do everything in the opposite manner. Thus, when they call instead of pick-up I ignore the call. Already, I was tricked tonight because I deleted a number and when Mr. Man called... I didn't recognize the number with the name. This is going to be hard!

Multi-deminsional: Parents

Last night, I was with a friend waiting for the bus and as they were looking at the schedule their stance reminded them of a comment made by their father. My friend Sam* said that he was looking at a picture with his hand on his hip and his father said, "Why are you standing like that?"
"Like what?" Sam replied.
"Like that! It's feminine!" He answered in a thick Creole accent.
Sam recalled his confusion and questioned whether or not it was because of the fact that his hand was on his hip, or maybe his hip was cocked, or maybe...he couldn't figure it out.

His confusion with the episode reminded me of my older brother's over analysis of my Dad's comments towards him. Additionally, the way he brushed off his Dad's opinion made we wonder about the nature of their relationship.

"Do you get along well with your Dad?" I asked.

Sam's reply was a culmination of the feelings I had towards my father, which had taken years and tears to understand. Yet, Sam made it sound so simple.

"I respect my Dad as a guy. But as a husband and father, I can say that I agree with what he's done."

For those who struggle with parental relationships for whatever reason, relax. Although you may feel anger towards one of your parents it is not because of hate. It is simply a break down of respect. We all have our own standards based on our past experiences. You should always respect your parents because they are people, your elders to be exact. However, you do not have to respect the decisions they make as a husband or parent because those decisions are based on their past. Until you understand their past and why they are the way that they are, you will not respect that side of them.

What comments or sayings from parents get under your skin or do you find repeating to yourself?

Kick it!

Ring the alarm!

Those who know me, know that I have key pieces of jewelry that I wear daily: my necklace with three important charms (tiara, treble clef, and clarinet), my silver hoop earings, and my rings. Each piece of jewelry is sentimental in some way, especially my rings. One ring was a gift from my favorite uncle worn on the right ring finger, another was an awesome ring from Disney World worn on the right index finger, and the last was a present for myself after the first semester of my freshman year (I did well!) worn on the left ring finger. Although they were not fancy, the one on the left had been mistaken for a wedding ring in the past.

I am a key believer that everything happens for a reason and if you want things to happen you have to speak it into existence and act as if you already have it or that is on its way. I thought about this one day while looking at the ring on my ring fingers. At the time, I was in a great relationship with someone I believed I could marry. But when I looked down at my ring finger, I could not imagine that finger bare or with another ring being there. I was not ready.

After that relationship, I was hesitant to date in my new city. But, NYC treated me well. I have met so many gentleman that have treated me like a princess! Most notably, was the rebound guy. It took me a while to accept his purpose as we decided to step back and become friends, but I now understand. I am now in the beginning stages with someone who makes me loose my breath whenever I see and hear them, and sees my inner and outer beauty as clear as day.

I am now single and dating and it has been two weeks without a single ring on my hands!

I feel on top of my game in most facets of my life. My heart is shinning bright and so is my smile. In my mind and heart, I see what I want out of a relationship. I am ready to use my past lessons to take my current relationship to new heights, if that is in God's plan. I am ready for LOVE!

The Kissing Game

The other day I was catching up with an old friend and some how we got on the topic of firsts kisses. You've met the cutie and you are now flirting with the thought of kissing those tempting lips. Is it too early? Do you ask? Or do you just go in for the kill? I explained, "Although it's a nice gesture, it kills the mood if you ask." I continued by explaining that sometimes people are so afraid of rejection that they inadvertently provide the opportunity to be rejected. Meaning, when you ask you give someone the opportunity to say yes or no along with a reason. If you just do it, you still run the risk of rejection but you still accomplished your goal. This is a lesson I learned about a year ago (Thank God!). This article provides more information on Creating Tension for a Great Kiss.

Enjoy!

Valentine's Day Quizes

Try the quizzes below to help find your Valentine's Day love match! Good luck!

Catch his/her eye with a little flirting and perhaps you can get a date.

Can't figure out if it's the real thing.

The standards for your perfect mate are up to you. Help see what you want in a relationship and find the right person for you.

Are you in the right relationship?